Wow, it's been a hot minute since I've posted on here.

Where should I start? Well, I'm not independent, but I am in a much better living situation.

I'm working and paying rent just like any other adult. It's terribly difficult to change my perspective and realize that I am no longer a charity case, being as beneficial to my roommates as they are to me. I still feel like I have to "earn my keep" because it's been so long since I've paid for my keep. I've been working at the same place for over a year, which is saying something. It's not a great job, but it pays the bills. So those are the basics. I'm living, working, going to church, trying to have relationships with people, and slowly discovering  the extensive mess of my own heart. Being in a somewhat secure situation is not only amazing in and of itself, but allows me to focus on my more personal development, rather than my basic survival. People's priorities change them drastically. I'm a completely different person when I'm fighting to make it through each day than when I'm able to rest and think of other things. I'm learning more about myself every day, it's a bittersweet experience. Well, to get down to it:

I've decided that I want to be an interior decorator, when I grow up that is. It's a goal that will require a lot of work and sacrifice to accomplish. First, I have to get my GED. Because of my lifestyle growing up, I never finished high school and now I'm an ashamed 25 year old who has to earn her diploma. I'm anticipating some significant struggle for the next 6 months or so. My education is practically non existent and I have to make up for many years of ignorance and the development of education itself. I've been struggling with the decision to do this for months now, not because I don't want to, or that I think I can't, but because of the humiliation I will suffer and the amount of work it's going to take. I'm sure now that I want this, but taking the first step is terrifying. 

After achieving my GED, I would love to take some college courses on interior design and photography. I'm not dead set on college, nor is it required for me to make a living as a decorator. It would help a lot though. Meanwhile I continue to decorate for my church and any other projects that may come up. I'll be working on a wedding this year, my second one. It will be a major challenge because I'm collaborating with another person on the project and I'm much better when I work alone. I will take any opportunity though, it will be worth it for sure.

So that's life right now, it's infinitely better than it was for which I am grateful.

Then comes the emotional side of all this change and all these plans.

I've found that I am the girl I always disliked and pitied. You know, those girls who are petty and seek everything from their relationships. Emotional, sensitive, irrational, and generally frustrating. I'm sensitive as heck, but mostly in regards to mistakes I make, or anything in which I feel I've failed. But of course, this is because I have extensive experience with failure and it terrifies me and hurts me deeply when it happens. I'm also looking for other people to provide validation and comfort in my life, so far, none have really come through. I have some amazing friends in my life but feel lonely as ever. I used to be hard and cold, not needing people and not being emotional was my value, but now I'm weak and needy. I hate the idea of it, but I'm free of the monster I once was. I have a heart and sensitive or not, at least it's alive. It brings me back to Jesus. I know specifically the kind of friendship I want, that I believe I need, but no human is capable of it. I have to seek God to satisfy this hunger for love, this depth of relationship that I cannot find on this earth or it's going to tear me apart.  I speak of all this now in a calm manner, but over the past couple of weeks the lonely bitterness has been severe.  I'm particularly upset with one friend of mine whom I love, but feel neglected and unable to be honest with. So, in my mature and diplomatic way, I am generally ignoring this person. "If they don't have time for me, then I don't have time for them." kind of thing. I'm slowly coming to grips with my new self and hopefully I'll soon find a way to be filled by Jesus and hunger after shallow love no more. Until then, I'm struggling to control my feelings and be the friend I so desperately desire for the people I love. It's against human nature to be selfless, but I feel I must find a way, or we'll only ever be hurt by each other.

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Whenever I think about my past and where I came from, I realize how painful a situation I am in right now. To think that I would find myself in the same positions as I was in my childhood makes all hope dissipate. I thought I was a victim and that as soon as I was free everything would be different, even better. I suppose I only hoped that it would. Well, here I am again, homeless and staying with other people, supported entirely by others. It wrenches my heart to know it’s true. Things are a bit different than before, but still as humiliating and discouraging. How worthless can I be? I have failed at living this life and now I get to bite the bullet and admit to myself that I am still a beggar. I can’t express what it does to the human soul to be in such a position in life. It’s one of the most painful things a person can feel. Homelessness isn’t a joke and it breaks people in ways only a homeless person can understand.

I have friends, I am loved, and there are those that value me as I am, but they will never know what it feels like to be destitute, and I never want them to.

Accepting help is a bittersweet affair as you are saved from harsher places, but still humiliated as a person. Sometimes I think I’d rather be on the street than look people in the face.

I am a burden to the people I love and there’s nothing I can do about it. I am a failure at the simplest requirements of life and it breaks my spirit in a significant way. How can anyone feel good when their own life declares their inability and shame? I want this to end, with all of my heart I want it to be over.

I know that God not only sees, but sympathizes with it all. He was homeless and hungry at times; He stayed with friends and even used other people’s houses to prepare meals. I shouldn’t be ashamed of something my Savior also did, and I shouldn’t think I deserve any better.

I just want to be alright, to be taken care of. I want a lifestyle of being taken care of, not just a season of need in which people have stepped up to supply such needs.

I would love to be independent once again, to support myself and have a home of my own.

Is it unreasonable for me to want such things? From what I’ve heard from other’s it is only selfish and wicked of me to think of the things I want, regardless of their simplicity and generality.

It seems to me that a lot of people who are aware of the situation are justified in thinking that I’m just coasting along in utter laziness and indifference to responsibility; little do they know that I feel as though I’m being tortured everyday. I take no pleasure in accepting other people’s help; it’s not something I enjoy. I don’t find freeloading a fun thing, or think of their sacrifice as a game. I hate this; with all my heart I hate it. If I had what I needed to move on I would be gone in an instant.

 I don’t suppose it matters now as I’ve decided to put all my focus and effort into finding God again. It won’t be hard, He hasn’t gone anywhere really.

I gave some people the chance to prove that leaning on others is a good and helpful thing, but my experiment proved that the opposite was true, at least for me. It was so very foolish to think that a human being could be as good a friend as Christ. No one really wanted to listen, though some did. No one could understand and I should never have thought they could.

Most everyone told me to get over myself and stop being emotional, how could they understand what it felt like to face the life I’ve been given? There was no comfort to be found at all in going to other people, but I don’t think it’s really their fault.

There is only one true friend, only one that can fully understand what I’m going through. His name is Jesus and I have rejected Him in my fear and pain. How could I do such a thing to the one who has loved me, protected me, and provided all I have needed?

I can see now that even though I have ignored Him, He is still very near and His truth has never left my heart. I can remember all the wonderful things He ever said to me, I remember when He made me His own and told me over and over that I was (as I was) His precious girl. In knowing Him I found myself, I found peace.

This is what I walked away from and even found myself angry with.

Oh foolish mortal to think that I can live without Him, that I want to live without Him.

 

What is God doing?

Sometimes I think the more important question is "what do I do?" There are circumstances completely out of my hands as well as many for which I am responsible. My relationships are across the board on a scale of great and awful. Some people seem to love me unconditionally, others, I have to fight to keep. Some come and go as they please and I have to be patient and somewhat detached. For me, it's a battle to survive and an even bigger battle to love. I fight to hold my tongue, I fight to let go of my fear, and there is hardly ever a loll. The hardest thing has been learning to wait out the storms. I'm accustomed to a life of flight, always going away and never standing my ground. It was out of my hands and there was nothing I could do prevent it, but it's been a true undertaking to understand why and how to fight for the things and people I love.
There are so many things I have to dedicate myself to repair and I never had to face up to anything until I moved to Columbus and embarked on a life of my own.
There are things that must be remedied, people I must ask forgiveness of, people I must let go of entirely, and all while walking through a dense fog of confusion and uncertainty. Most of these balls lay in my court, collecting years worth of dust and decay. It is within my power to do all that is in my power to restore what was lost, but it seems the most important and painful things are completely out of my control and I am at a loss to find the right means to handle them. Should I put myself aside entirely and serve, battling all my heart into silence? Should I fight and risk eternal injury to another in defiance of repetitive loss? How do you tell someone who needs you that you don't need them? How do you explain that you love them, but would rather be apart from them?
My heart is tempted to break and give up, but I know well that there is no such option. If only I could truly put all my hope and trust in my Father.